giving five$

Hey, check it out, it's a metaphor! If you make it through the interview part, you get the 3X5 deal!
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Five tips for landing a job

1) Begin the interview by showing that you're not passive. If the interviewer's office door isn't 100% open, kick the door AS HARD AS YOU CAN and force it so. Walk into the room with elbows locked at a 90 degree angle, keeping your palms facing each other, with fingertips pointed the direction your body is facing at all times. Think tense, think rigid. Avoid smooth movements as you approach the interviewer, this will make them think that you are too laid-back to hire.

2) Avoid eye contact at all costs until spoken to in harsh tones. Begin reciting pi to as many decimal places as you can in a nasally voice. Keep those eyes away from the interviewers!

3) Ignore their attempt to shake your hand. This is a trap. If you shake their hand, they force you to take your arms out of the "power position" that they have been in since entry. If you feel bad about leaving the interviewer hanging, you can turn your body such that your fingertips graze across their hand.

4) When they offer you a chair, do not respond to the first offer, or even the second. With any luck, you're still reciting pi; just keep doing your thing. You don't want them to think that you're the lazy type who will just sit down the first chance they get. Only sit down if they offer a third time and you can take a seat without losing muscle tension.

5) Keep avoiding eye contact as long as you can. Eye contact is only useful when people are in love or when they want to fight. Do you want either of those feelings to be communicated to the interviewer? Didn't think so. However, you probably won't be able to avoid it for the entire interview, so know the proper damage-control protocol: immediately lock eyes, turn your body, raise your shoulders (to make yourself appear larger) and begin hissing loudly. Wet your chair. Continue hissing until they look away.
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Five more of the "lesser spiritual gifts"

*Slowness
*Overreacting
*Deodorant
*Noogies
*Toastmanship

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Five of the least popular flavors of Best Yet soda
(only available in unwieldly 3L- bottles!)

*Pine
*Eggplant
*Butter
*Salsa con queso
*Yam

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Five of the weirdest allergies you could have

*Beaks
*Communism
*Limericks
*Static
*Bling