1. You have my guarantee that this dinosaur is dumb.
2.
This is probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Anyone want to buy it for me to wear to parties?
3. Here are some riddles of various diffilculties, for those of us who like challenges.
Beginner level: I'm 186,000,000 miles away and really, really bright. What am I?
Intermediate level: How many woodchucks can you fit in a bag?
Awesome level: ĦœЏФ βηњ Ώй↔ ẫỚ βηњ ۞ ‡ ?
Answers next week? Until then, all I'm gonna offer is something cheesy, like, "You'll know it in your heart when you've solved the riddles."
4. God help me, I'm awkward. That's why I have these pre-packaged one-liners to resuscitate(sp?) my conversations when they fizzle into dead air:
-"So I stopped taking my meds today. If people die, they die."
-"Well, at least *I* didn't have anything to do with that mess of oil being spilled all over prince William sound! Poor shorebirds..."
-"I demand your gold in exchange for my solid waste!"
-"I guess there's nothing left for us to do here except swallow whatever we have in our pockets!"
-"I recently decided that pig fart and manure makes the best fuel."
-"Has anyone started their taxes for this year?"
-"So I *finally* figured out the math behind predestination."
-"I think that in most situations, I'd rather be respected and well-liked than on fire."
-"This is what it was like when I was aged in an oaken cask for six months, to develop a more mellow flavor."
-"Your face looks like road kill."
-"I don't mean to pry, but where do you fall on the whole 'wax paper' issue?"
-"That bear owes me a popsicle!"(This one works best when preceded by a sneer and muttered in an angry tone)
-"Sometimes, I like to just guess at the total volume of urine that humanity produces every day."
-"I know I haven't known you that long, but I can tell that if you were a keyboard character, you'd be an ampersand."
-"I think we should call Cleveland 'Pearl of the rust belt.'"
-"Little known fact: a horse poops six times a day, on average."
-"Can I just apply for German ethnicity, or aam I going to have to bribe someone?"
-"Should cows fly airplanes? They might not always make it to the bathroom on time, but darned if they don't stay cool during hostage situations!"
-"It's fun to criticize, but I know without a doubt that if I was el presidente, my foreign policy would be carpet bombing."
-"Besides talent, all our band needs is a name. How 'bout 'Star Duck and the head squishers'?"
-"Sure, you can stare at whatever you're staring at, but it won't make you any less boring." (don't try this one until you've tried a couple others from this list in the same exchange)
5. I have a poster of the procrastinator's creed that I meant to put up in my old apartment, but I moved out before I ever got around to the task. After all, I only lived there for nine months.
Irony is beautiful when it doesn't hurt.
6. I would wager that the University of Minnesota is the only place on earth that people have seen a squirrel die of natural causes.
7. I just had the letter O from a scrabble game fall out of my shorts, and lack a satisfying explanation.8. If you're interested in turning this planet into spacedust, this link might help. Very witty, methinks.
Personally, I never understood why people would want to do something like that. What is their motive? Yet for a few years, we were totally dependent on Cpt. Planet to foil the schemes of Sly Sludge (on yonder side of page) and Doctor Blight.
8. I have recently come to the conclusion that it is no longer fashionable to talk about Darwin awards.
9. LOL, ROFL, Creed got sued for sucking.
Um, other stuff too, but, uh, big gulps, huh? That's great. Welp, see ya later!
